My Inner World of Confusion

Gedachtenspinsels over Fout Gedrag

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 11:10:06 GMT

Een paar dagen geleden keek ik een programma over afkicken. Nu heb ik altijd enorm respect voor mensen die daardoorheen zijn geweest. Natuurlijk hadden ze nooit moeten beginnen enzovoorts, maar het lijkt mij de absolute hel.
Ten eerste viel het me al op dat zeker de helft er zat vanwege verslaving aan wiet, terwijl mij toch altijd is verteld dat je dagelijkse kop koffie verslavender is. Voor mij kwam de klap op de vuurpijl toen er bij één van de identieke MartijnJochemDennisRoberts aan werd toegevoegd dat de beste man verslaafd was aan internetporno.
Meteen schoot me een gesprek te binnen dat ik van het weekend op een feest had over wilskracht. Volgens mij ging er hier iets fout en werd verslaving verward met het niet kunnen opbrengen van de wilskracht om ergens mee te stoppen. Voor mij geen verslaving, hoewel compulsief gedrag net zo vervelend is. Maar ik zie afkicken misschien teveel als lichamelijk, en kon die jongen dus niet zwetend in een bed voor me zien terwijl hij schreeuwde om blote vrouwen. Nee dat is niet waar, dat kan ik juist te goed voor me zien en daarom werd het absurd.
Enfin, het bleek ook allemaal niet zo heftig. Volgens het slachtoffer was het “meer iets wat ik dan ’s avonds ga doen als ik me erg verveel enzo, weet je wel.” Hetgeen fantastisch is, want dan ben ik dus verslaafd aan het spelen van Patience op de PC. Daar gaan ze nog van staan te kijken bij de Jellinek.
Rehabilitatie is ontzettend hip, en die klinieken hebben wachtlijsten. Sla de bladen maar open, iedereen heeft er één. Ik snap het niet. Nog buiten het feit dat het voor mij blijft klinken als iets dat het WWF doet met tropische dieren en het stuitende idee dat je mensen kan drillen tot uniforme dingetjes die dan weer de maatschappij in mogen, en dat iemand met drie jaar HBO creatieve therapie dus kan bepalen wat wenselijk gedrag is.
Rehabilitatie duidt op het idee dat je gedrag een smet was op het blazoen van de medelanders en dat je nu gaat leren hoe het hoort. Het vreemde is dat ik verdomd weinig last heb van de gemiddelde intraveneus drugsgebruiker. Toegegeven, eentje heeft een keer mijn fiets gejat, en ze zorgen dat de gang richting Bioscoop Catharijne (Doe Het Niet) een nóg minder fijne ervaring is dan vroeger. Maar echt last, nee. Degenen die rehabilitatie nodig hebben krijgen er geen.
Waar zijn de klinieken voor mensen die door de film heen praten? Voor mensen die bellen in de trein met een volume alsof ze als back-up graag woordelijk te verstaan willen zijn in Ommen? De mensen die de roltrap versperren of met zijn vieren naast elkaar fietsen? Dat zijn kleine dingen, maar het zijn wel dezelfde mensen. Mensen die oprecht niet doorhebben dat er mensen om ze heen zitten, of erger: die het van ondergeschikt belang vinden aan het mobiel doorgeven van de prijs van de worteltjes. En dat moet er toch uit te therapieën zijn, en dat gebeurt dus niet. Want we hebben gekozen om dit normaal te vinden en de man die zijn eigen gezondheid in een stil hoekje naar de Chaldeeën helpt niet.
Want die laatste kost geld. Daar zit hem natuurlijk de kneep: als hij een overdosis krijgt moeten wij als brave belastingbetalers de ambulance bekostigen. Komt nog bij dat hij geregeld een ruitje intikt om zijn dure hobby te betalen. Maar heeft iemand ooit onderzocht hoeveel mensen een hartaanval krijgen nadat ze constateren dat iemand voordringt bij de kassa? Het verlies aan de verkoop van treinkaartjes omdat je wel uitkijkt om je in de stationshel te wagen? Ik ben benieuwd. Voer voor statistici.

Gemaakt van Huiswerk en Optimisme, negeer indien gewenst. Niet uitspoelen.

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 12:03:49 GMT

Ha! Livejournal is een perfect discussiemiddel. Ik heb de laatste tijd niet gepost maar wel veel gelezen. En het valt me op dat ik in bijna ieder Journal wel een post heb gezien van een “alles gaat zo kut met onze mooie zesenveertigchromosomige diersoort”-achtige strekking. Dus denk ik: hoe beter een leuke discussie te openen dan op een Journal? Al wie hier iets in zien hale er voordeel uit, al wie mij willen affakkelen, kom op met die toorts.

Ik wil bij deze een lans breken voor een leukere wereld. Of eigenlijk voor een leukere perceptie van de wereld.
Het valt me op dat de klaagcultuur de spuigaten absoluut aan het uitlopen is. Kijk voor de lol eens in een ingezonden-brieven-rubriek van een willekeurig dagblad. Buiten het feit dat de inhoud belachelijk is en de spelling afwezig moet je iets opvallen. Het gaat helemaal nooit over ‘Ik ben gisteren wezen eten bij mijn Turkse buurman en het was hartstikke leuk’. Het gaat over racisme, pessimisme, onbegrip en egocentrisme, en het erge is dat ze niet doorhebben dat ze het zelf ook doen. “Ik ben verkeerd behandeld, dus alle politici deugen niet!””Jullie helpen allemaal het milieu naar de kloten, ik ben vegetariër en dus een lichtend voorbeeld voor de hele mensheid!” Dat ook. En alle buitenlanders lopen alleen maar in de weg en de laatste ozonlaagmoleculen klampen zich huilend aan elkaar vast en de G8 top is een samenzwering om de wereld te ontdoen van al haar schone drinkwater en te bevrijden van eventueel per ongeluk nog aanwezige mensenrechten. Hou toch alsjeblieft op allemaal. Ik wordt niet moe van de wereld, maar ik begin moe te worden van mensen die moe worden van de wereld.
Toen ik in Istanbul zat te eten met Erik hadden we een lang gesprek over religie en de toekomst van de rol van geloof. Waar Erik de nadruk legde op terrorisme, vervreemding en het onrechtelijk bekeren van zwakbegaafden, voelde ik me voordurend gedwongen het voor religie op te nemen. Niet omdat ik geloof dat het één fantastische helende kracht is, integendeel. Maar omdat ik ook hier weer zo moe wordt van onbegrip, klagen klagen klagen. Of zoals ik al zei tegen Erik “omdat ik weiger te leven in een wereld waar ik de hele dag angstig moet uitgaan van het meest pessimistische scenario.”
Dat geldt voor alles. Ik heb hoop. Hoop voor de wereld, voor het milieu, voor rechtvaardigheid en tolerantie. Niet omdat ik naïef ben, maar omdat we het anders op kunnen geven met zijn allen. Als we toch zeker weten dat we binnen tien jaar worden verzwolgen door een door atoomkrachten opgewekte massale ziektuitbraak-cum-apocalytische-vloedgolf kunnen we nu net zo goed met onze twintig kilo overgewicht en Nintendo Wii in een kamer gaan zitten en er niet meer uitkomen.
Maar ik geloof oprecht dat mensen daar niet voor bedoeld zijn, en ik geloof ook niet in de universele slecht- of stomheid van de mens. Niet omdat ik het me niet kan voorstellen, maar omdat ik het me niet WIL voorstellen. Ik wil geloven dat de mensen die hun kinderen voor de trein gooien en eenzame mannen infecteren met besmet bloed losse gekken zijn. Daarom doe ik mijn best op mijn eigen kleine manier: omdat ik een wereld wil waar het zin heeft je afval te scheiden, je eigen boodschappentas te gebruiken en brieven voor Amnesty te schrijven. En de preapocalyptische mesthoop die sommige mensen om zich heen mensen te zien is zeker niet zo’n wereld.
Ik wil geloven dat er een mens-zijn is dat iedereen verbind en dat een dergelijke notie het uiteindelijk gaat winnen. Alleen is het met de wereld net als met losse personen: als je zinkt moet je eerst bij de grond komen om je af te kunnen zetten naar boven. Noem me onrealistisch, maar ik geloof dat er maar één gedachtetrend destructiever is dan egocentrisme en dat is doemdenken. Steek je hoofd maar in die guillotine, ik doe niet mee.
Ik ben nu toevallig mijn samenvatting aan het maken voor Godsdienstsociologie, en dat is een soort wedstrijd lelijke neologismen. Ik doe bij deze ook een duit in het zakje: ik baal van de toenemende gothicificatie van het denken. Ik weet geen oplossingen voor vervreemding, intolerantie en oppervlakkigheid. Ik weet wel dat je erin koesteren en het als een doel op zich gaan zien er helemaal geen steek aan gaat veranderen. Bij deze mijn oproep: negeren. Producten milieuonvriendelijk gemaakt? Niet kopen. Forum vol neofacistische idioten? Niet posten. Televisie inhoudsloos geworden (volgens mij is televisiekijken voor de inhoud net zoiets als Playboy lezen voor de artikelen, maar allez)? Niet aanzetten!
Lieve mensen, verf je muren in een opwekkende kleur, kweek je eigen groentes als je daar het geduld voor hebt, glimlach in de metro gewoon naar kindjes in alle kleuren van de regenboog en maak je eigen mooie wereld.
Om mijn zeer wijze opa te citeren “Geen zorgen voor de dag van morgen, iedere dag heeft meer dan genoeg aan haar eigen kwaad.”

Het mooie van Nieuwe Beginnen- je krijgt er zoveel als je wilt.

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 15:29:05 GMT

Ik ga dit Journal maar weer eens een kickstart geven: poging 36754.
Ik heb namelijk gemerkt dat ik het een beetje mis, zeker omdat ik die van anderen nog wel volg. Vandaar dus.
Alleen vandaag nog niet. Ik heb nog precies een uur de tijd om een onderzoeksvoorstel te formuleren. Ik vraag me wel eens af waarom die dingen per sé een kantje moeten zijn. Als ik nu in 10 regels kan uitleggen wat ik ga onderzoeken en waarom zou dat toch ook moeten kunnen...maar allez. Eens zien op hoeveel manieren ik precies hetzelfde kan zeggen.

Post ik toch maar even twee dingen die ik dagen geleden al heb gemaakt: het lijstje dat ik heb gejat van Ben en dat ik geinig vond, en de Bijbelquiz met een hoogst Godsdienstwetenschapper-waardige score. Wel weer eng dat er dan op het einde iets komt te staan van: you are such an expert on the Bible, you must surely read it every day! Ehm...zoals mijn vader al zei: "Je slaat wel eens een dagje over". ;)

Directions:
1. Put numbers in the boxes instead of x's (example: 1, 2, 3, 4, ...)
2. Repost as "I have lived through ____ of these 158 things. "

I have lived through 89 of these 158 things.

[01] I have read a lot of books.
[] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[] I have been to Canada.

[03] I have been to Europe.
[04] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[05] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[06] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[] I have been snowboarding/skiing.

[07] I have played ping pong.
[] I swam in the ocean.
[08] I have been on a whale watch.
[09] I have seen fireworks.

[10] I have seen a shooting star.
[11] I have seen a meteor shower.
[] I have almost drowned.
[12] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.

[13] I have listened to one CD over and over and over again.
[] I have had stitches.
[] I have had frostbite.
[] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.
[14] I have stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects.
[] I currently have a job.
[15] I have been ice skating.
[16] I have been rollerblading.
[17] I have fallen flat on my face.
[18] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[] I have been in a fist fight.
[19] I have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight.
[20] I have watched the power rangers.

[21] I attend(ed) Church regularly.
[22] I have played truth or dare.
[23] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[24] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[25] I've called someone stupid.
[26] I've been in a verbal argument.
[27] I've cried in school.
[] I've played basketball on a team.
[] I've played baseball on a team.
[] I've played football on a team.
[] I've played soccer on a team.
[] I've played softball on a team.
[] I've played volleyball on a team.
[] I've played tennis on a team.
[] I've been on a track or cross country team.
[] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[] I've bungee jumped.

[] I've climbed a rock wall.
[28] I've lost more than $20.
[29] I've called myself an idiot.
[30] I've called someone else an idiot.
[31] I've cried myself to sleep.
[32] I've had (or have) pets.

[33] I've owned a spice girls CD.
[] I've owned a britney spears CD.
[] I've owned an N*Sync CD.
[34] I've owned a backstreet boys CD.
[] I've mooned someone.
[] I have sworn at someone of authority before.
[35] I've been in the newspaper.
[] I've been on TV.
[] I've been to Hawaii.
[36] I've eaten sushi.
[] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[37] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[38] I've watched all the Harry Potter movies.
[] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[] I've watched the 3 stooges.
[] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica.
[39] I've watched Looney Tunes.
[] I've been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into lockers.

[40] I've been called a geek.
[41] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
[42] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.
[43] I've hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
[44] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[] I've met a celebrity/music artist.
[] I've written poetry.
[] I've been arrested.

[45] I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
[46] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[47] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[48] I've had/have siblings.
[49] I've been to a rock concert.

[50] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[51] I've been in a play.
[52] I've been picked last in gym class.
[] I've been picked first in gym class.
[53] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.

[54] I've cried in front of my friends.
[55] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[] I've played Halo 2.
[] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[] I've been to Alaska.

[] I've been to China.
[] I've been to Spain.
[] I've been to Japan.
[] I've had a fight with someone on AIM.
[56] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[57] I've had serious conversations on any IM.

[58] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[59] I've been forgiven.
[60] I've screamed at a scary movie.
[61] I've cried at a chick flick.
[] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[62] I've screamed at the top of my lung.
[] I've been to a rap concert.

[] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[63] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
[64] I've driven on the highway/been on the highway.
[65] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day/been in a car that went more than 40 miles in a day.
[] I've been in a car accident.

[] I've done drugs.
[66] I've been homesick.
[67] I've thrown up.
[] I've puked on someone.
[68] I've been horseback riding.

[69] I've filled out more than 10 myspace surveys.
[70] I've spoken my mind in public.
[71] I've proved someone wrong.
[72] I've been proven wrong by someone.
[] I've broken a leg.

[] I've broken an arm.
[73] I've fallen off a swing.
[] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 minutes straight
[74] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[75] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.

[] I've lost my backpack.
[] I've come close to dying.
[76] I've seen someone die.
[77] I've known someone who has died.
[] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.

[] I've done modeling.
[78] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
[79] I've taken something/someone for granted.
[80] I've realized how good my life is.
[81] I've counted my blessings.
[82] I've made fun of a classmate.
[83] I've been asked out by someone and I said no.

[] I've slapped someone in the face.
[] I've been skateboarding.
[84] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
[85] I've lied to someone to their face.
[86] I've told a little white lie.

[87] I've taken a day off from school just so I don't go insane.
[88] I've fainted.
[] I've had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not.
[] I've pushed someone into a pool.
[] I've been pushed into a pool.
[89] I've been/am in love.

You know the Bible 92%!

Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
Create MySpace Quizzes

Just a blogthingie...

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 20:09:34 GMT

You are the Magician card. Magick is the use of the
will to effect change in reality. The will is
the ability to direct knowledge and experience
towards an end goal. The Magician is capable of
manipulating his environment because he knows
it so well. He effects the thoughts and
emotions of those around him. Therefore, the
Magician is often thought of as an artist,
writing or speaking in a way that strongly
influences others. The Magician understands how
to bring concepts into form and how to express
metaphysical concepts in a physical way. He is
seen with the symbols of each suit: a disk, a
cup, a sword and a wand. These symbols are each
a physical expression of a concept. They are
The Magician's tools. Following after The Fool,
The Magician acts as a messenger. His planet is
Mercury, who is Messenger of the Gods. He
brings The Fool into the new world that The
Fool seeks. The Magician represents the act of
creation. Because he can use his knowledge to
form something new, he seems to be able to make
a thing appear out of a void. Image from: L. S.
Irish.
http://www.muttart.com/originals/magician.htm

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

What's with the back?

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 15:51:21 GMT

And so, the circus has begun. Today I spent 2-and-a-half hours in the hospital getting examined, x-rayed and beraved of my precious blood. With seemingly no results whatsowever, but at least thare are some things I can exclude right now. I am not giving up that easily. I am sure I have many more tests and hospitals yet to come, but I WILL find out what I wrong with me. Bring it!

The Random Question Meme!

An array of completely random questions about my friends!

Is rumble_bird best described as a badger, a mushroom, or a snake?: I think he'd like to hear snake, but snake's aren't cuddly! Neither are mushrooms...
How would athiel_draaick survive on a desert island?: She would cast Innate Cuteness and get the inhabitants of the next island to help her out of of pity. She would the slowly start taking over the island and working on her goddess-status.
Did molotov02 take the blue pill, or the red pill?: Red pill, definitely. And be quite the fanatic too.
What do you find admirable about phalar_reign?: The fact that he has an opinion about many things and stands for it. He is very reliable.
And I am talking Onno here, Phalar is a different story ;)
What is pasje's favorite movie?: This, I seriously do not know. And I am ashamed. This supports me in my belief that we should meet up again soon. Maybe she could show me het favorite movie?
Why shouldn't butterfly_wt and lievonneke be a couple?: They are to much alike. Both sweet, caring, giggly and female. It would be a Battle of the Cuties beyond compare. Let's don't.
Whom is haarbal attracted to?: I don't know. As long as it is made out of chocolate, I'd say.
What would the minions of webshark's army look like?: This would be pointless to describe. Webshark is about a zillion times more into electronics, and I am surely getting mecha-visions here. However...*gets visions from huge Scotsmen launching scary and overarmed little blonde girls from their backpacks*
If yemors and janestarz were superheroes, which one would be the sidekick?: Yemors would be the one designing and making the gadgets. Jane would be flying around in a stunning and very sexy outfit. WITH the gadgets. W00t!
What historical figure does sna most remind you of?: There is something VERY Leonardo da Vinci-ish about him. Sna is much better looking though.
How long have you known lupijn?: Not nearly long enough.
In what ways are you smarter than cryssiewillow?: I do learn much easier, but that definitely doesn't make me smarter. It only makes me know more ;)
Does sjuuls look better with long hair?: Yes. I've seen the pictures.
What is the most embarrassing thing you know about ghost_musician?: I am not gonna post that on a public journal. Period.

(But is has something to do with fishing, custard and a couple of female show-wrestlers. And a moose.)
Will m1ss_ann_thropy ever amount to anything?: Of course she will. Maybe she will amount to this big overload of ideas and energy. Oh wait, she already has. Uh-oh.

This is by heptadecagram. You can find your own completely random questions here.

Do you feel enlightened now?

Alea Iacta Est

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 20:25:15 GMT

I am not intending to tell or re-tell the entire story here again.
Yes, I left Cauldron. Things had comc to a point where I, and worse my friends, got neglected or insulted one time too often.
As I write this the mudslinging has begun. And, unsurprisingly, it isn't coming from our direction. And it never will be. I consider us way above the actions we were accused of. It simply isn't true, and if the fear of us eventually getting our own event is so high it is worth lying for...*sigh*.

For now, this is becoming a fulltime job and I am sick and tired of it all. My heart knows this was the right, one, and only descision I could make. I am still happy I did it. But I will not write extensively about it, because the 'situation' already used up 80% of my words for today. I'll use the rest for chit-chat, looking forward to LARP and commenting on bad late-night TV. Something tells me I won't sleep all that well.

This is where the rant is: http://www.livejournal.com/users/sna/

For now, the words of my dear friend will be more then sufficient.

PS: Keep asking questions. No matter if I am tired of it, I will rather have 50 people at MSN at the same time then one person who believes certain rumours. I can only hope that truth was able to take full flight before accusations shot it out of the air.

All doctors hate people

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 20:49:31 GMT

I am in a pretty angry mood today. And you don't have to know me that well to know I am not angered easily at all.

This morning I went to see the doctor about my back (new face again, thank god this one didn't seem to have received her degree from the backside of a cornflakes box) and things didn't went as I expected.
Again, I didn't feel listened to. Or acknowledged. Or noticed at all. She kept looking at her screen, occasionally frowning and saying either 'that is impossible' or 'that is serious'. I told her I have been in almost constant pain since I was 15, and that it has brought me to a point where I am not able to function as a normal 21-year old. 'that is serious'. And I want to be able to stand for more then 15 minutes. Nod. Or lift things. Or carry things. Or fall asleep cuddled up next to my love instead of cramped up on the fucking other side of the bed in the one position that doen't cause me to be in too much pain to sleep. Nod. Could it be in any way related to the fact that I have changed my anticonception pill to one with a higher hormone level. 'That is impossible'. What could it be then? Frown. Can I go to see a specialist? 'Sure'. You think it can be reuma? Or a hernia? No idea. Frown. COME ON WOMAN! THINK WITH ME! When I came back home I felt like crying.
Especially when I called the specialist and I got his assistant.
"First time?"
"Yes"
"That will be in the second half of januari"
"I am sorry, I heard januari."
"I SAID januari. *cheerful voice* "Can I put you down for an appointment?"
"Januari? I don't need a treatment or something. Just some pictures and blood tests."
"Really? Then what do you need the reumatologist for? We do pictures all the time. Your doctor must be mistaking."
So I called back the doctor and got HER assistant. Who scorned me for calling 5 minutes late for the public hour and kept nagging until I hung up.
I wonder if there is any doctor who knows chronic pain from experience. Who knows what it is like to be unable to perform normal fysical tasks for years in a row. Being unable to go backpacking. Unable to go to certain lives. Unable to go to the shops and carry more than about 2 kilograms of stuff. Unable to paint a wall, lift a box or cook, on the worse days. I wonder if they would keep saying 'it will pass', 'what does your fysio say?''are you doing your exercizes?'(Not on most days, because it hurts!) and the ultimate help 'why don't you just take an aspirin and have a nice day of rest, eh?' Aspirin! Rest! Geez, I never thought of that, goddammit Sherlock! Maybe I will try rest in the intervals of my busy schedule training for the marathon, hunting moose on the tundra and pulling fucking jeeps out of the mud!
And now I have to go for a blood test tomorrow, because I am still tired all day long. Now the doctor was shocked. I had to go for the test soom, and if there were no results I was to come back, and she would try whatever she could. I tried to explain that the sleepyness didn't bother me half as much as the back, but to no avail. She kept ignoring and ignoring it all.

For the rest I am good, a bit stressed but quite happy and looking forward to the LRPing season. But until now I haven't been able to make a LRP like I used to, without pain or giving up halfway trough. I hope I will be able to play like I used to, I really really do...

Maybe cats can be suicidal too

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 14:59:00 GMT

Today was nothing special, I woke up almost choking with heat only to find that the temperature outside actually dropped. So I am as happy as can be, I almost forgot what it is like to inhale. Now I am accustomed to the new temperature and enjoying every minute of it.
I have done some odd jobs around the house.
The big news of the day is that my cat Nelson just appeared to have made a suicide attempt or just a very foolish action. I was on the phone with Hans when my mother called that Nelson was trying to get out of the window. So I went to my brothers room and saw the poor cat with his head stuck through (and also quite literally stuck IN) the luxaflex. When he heared me coming in he pulled his head back and he looked a bit punky. Cats are not supposed to mangle themselves through luxaflex. It looks like that for a reason.
Anyway he looked at me and then started to prepare to take the plummit with his entire body. He was halfway through when my mum started to get nervous. We are in the attic and both enormous cowards when it comes to heights. Neither of us looked forward to having to drag the cat out of the gutter to save his ass, because that very small gutter is the only place the cat could go, exept To A Certain Death about 10 meters lower. I know some cats could make the distance easily, but somehow I feel that Nelson couldn't. He is not an athlete (nor a hunter, a sprinter, a fighter or a cat at all, when it comes to this)and somehow I do not know if he understands jumping down would be a bad thing. But it was all solved when my mum pulled him back by his tail (no more cat left to grab), increasing the punk look and somehow insulting him. He is now in the bathroom, sulking. I know it is silly, but for a moment I really feared he would fall down. I just love the Big Fat Coward. He is the biggest non-cat in the Western World. If my biggest achievement as a cat so far would be catching a handicapped frog and then panicking out, I would be suicidal too. Who knows.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the amount of time I spent describing silly and unimportant things like this clearly shows that I have no life whatsoever. Please realize that you all have jobs and schools and interesting hobbies like sporting, clubbing and Big Game hunting while I am at home with too much time on my hands. So remember that when you feel the urge to call me and say I am boring and/or pathetic, just shrug and go do something fun. Thank you very much in advance.

Too hot for a rebel overtake

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 14:52:49 GMT

I was planning on writing something today, but instead of that the lovely Sanne and I have decided to go to the city. She called me to ask if I wanted to participate in a rebellion 'against everything'. The only bad thing is that it is too hot to be any other rebel than a Rebel Inuit.
So now we decided we will call it Organized Rebellion and it will just consist of the two of us going to have some dinner on a terrace with loads of white wine. I will wear a colorful bandana though. Ever the rebel.

Too Hot or Not Too Hot, that is the Question...

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 17:27:50 GMT

So today I find myself still busy heatbusting. In my case that actually means climbing a stunning two stairs to find my bedroom window, opening it, falling on the bed panting, climbing down again stopping halfway to take a deep breath in my fathers lovely air conditioned office, and going down to the terrace to eat ice-cubes and complain about the heat to my mother, who will lose interest after about five minutes so I have to swith to my cat. She recommends stretching yourself as far as you can on the floor, preferably in a strange backwards curl, and looking aloof. I tried it but now the people in the flat behind me look at me all strange and my back hurts.
I hate hate hate the sun. I knew I had at least some vampire blood in me...I am hiding behind my curtains because it buurrrnsss.
I didn't do much at all today. I cleaned up a bit, and even tried to help my mother clean my brothers room so that it will be nice when he comes home from England again. Unfortunately a strap from his gasmask (don't ask. We are one of THOSE families) got stuck in the vacuum cleaner and we thought it was too silly a problem to take to the store. That cost us some valuable time.
The one thing I did today was going to the doctor so he could give me medication for my back. I know my exersizes should help, but that is a long-time solution. It would be nice to have strong back muscles. Or an overall strong muscular corset as they call it (I know, BAD mental images. Very fleshcrafty thing)but pain in back must stop. Now. So I went to the doctor only to find my regular doctor wasn't there. His replacement was looking nervous, typing with one finger all the time while having trouble spelling every word over four syllables. When he asked for my date of birth and I gave it to him he was silent for about 20 seconds and then muttered: "Er...what number is october again?" Alright. Keep smiling to encourage him.
He gave me some medication though, and now I am praying to all gods known and unknown that it is the one I actually need, because it says nothing about pain the the muscles on the back. The problem with me is that I have a firm trust in Western Medicine (ok, a little less in Doc Clumsy) and pain in back must really really stop. So I started taking them anyway. Side effects may include severe stomach aches, double vision, headache, violent vomiting and a plethora of other problems including death, disaster and abduction by aliens. Luckily enough, memory loss and confusion are among them. So if one of you guys runs into me one of these days and I cannot remember who I am anymore, be so kind as to tell me I am anything but a sufferer from chronic backaches. I will be all the happier for it. Telling me I am a famous politician or polar bear hunter or anything is optional.
Another nice thing that happened today is that I red on the Cauldron-forum there is gonna be a Star Wars LRP in the autumn. So now I can spend my time lying on the couch dying from the heat but also fantasizing about how awesome THAT would be, which makes it all the way better. Tuuuh Tuuuh Tutututuuuuuuh Tu Tututu Tuuuuuh Tu tututu Tuuuh...

This will be the day that I melt.

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 19:21:22 GMT

So I found my Journal again, and it is time for the 5674th officially announced restart. Maybe it will work better for me this time if I do NOT promise that I will be a good girl, update every day and write long posts in one go (and stop drinking, excersize on a regular basis, go to bed before midnight, take up volunteering to help community and the entire How To Be Holy in 12 Easy Steps package) if I can not hold on to the promise.
So I will do multiple bad things this time:

1. I will not try to update for the missing 5 months of this journal. The LRPs and social events I attended were all cool, the world is still there and the people I love are loved by me without alteration no matter how long I haven't spoken to them. They know very well who they are. Exeption is for Hans, who is my lover nowadays and should get his little moment in the sun: love you the most.
2. I will not read all the posts of all my friends of the past 5 months. I hope some people said nice things about me in posts and tests and I wish I could read it all but no can do: I am just too damned lazy.
3. I will not even make this post very long, since the world is ending anyhow in a pre-apocalyptic pool of lava that is slowly boiling the grey mass in my head to make it easier for it to try to escape through my ears. My entire body is somehow busy storing heat instead of letting it out, so I had to close all the ventilation units in my brain to restrain my body from self-destructing. I am sorry for any inconvenience. I don't go well with hot weather.
4. I will even not even oblique the fact this is a useless non-post by posting a plethora of useless (what type of environment-safe air refreshener are you?) or kinda cool (Jedi! Jedi!) tests with neat pictures. Maybe later.

LiveJournal I am back. More cynical, more realistic and slightly meaner. More me. I like it.

Yeah...sure. Like the back wasn't ruined already.

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 17:16:55 GMT

I had a very good weekend. Gladiator was good, though there were very little players. People were in character pretty much all the time. Plus, I really had time to talk to some people I hadn't spoken in a while. I still wish I had been able to go to Raganorck as well, but I was needed at Gladiator. I didnt really get into my part too well, which was a pity since the rest did splendid as ever. It was supposed to be Ezra the second in a way, but it just didnt come out too well. The really bad part is that I somehow really damaged my back out there. Maybe it was the cold, the moist, the fighting, or a combination of all those factors. I am staying home from work for two days now. Today I am just being glad that I can sit and type at all, couldn't manage that yesterday. So I will keep this one short, just letting everybody know that I am okay and adding a test I made before.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
-The attitude of the people in this country
-The thought of being left alone and without friends
-Not being competent enough

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
-Racism
-Why some people really can't see their own less positive sides
-How Sna's head works

THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN
-Storytelling
-Making clothes
-More about Celtic culture and language

THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
-Skirt
-Socks
-Glasses

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
-Dice
-LRP-dagger
-Coffee (duh)

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
-Live abroad for some time
-Travel the world
-Write something I really like myself

THREE GOOD WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
-Caring
-Full of ideas
-Perfectionist

THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
-Loud
-Panicky
-Over-achiever

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
-Dutch
-Dutch
-Dutch

THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
-General curvyness
-Tall
-Hands

THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
-Fat!
-Spotty skin
-Chronic backache I could do without

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW ABOUT ME
-That I am quite low on self-confidence
-That I have a weak spot for really bad television
-That I have the worst biorithym in the world

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
-Plau! (don't ask)
-DUH
-Nou ja zeg!

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
-London...about a zillion times
-China
-The Deep South of the United States

THREE NAMES THAT I GO BY

-Karijn
-Ezra
-Ehm..yeah...you know, the girl over there with the dreadlocks...

THREE SCREEN NAMES I HAVE OR HAD
-Karijn
-Ezra
-Medusa

THREE THINGS I AM THINKING RIGHT NOW
-It is friggin'cold in here, I bet my radiator is broken.
-I still have so many backgrounds to write this week, buggerbuggerbuggerbugger
-I really should update the journal more often

Brand New Start. Inetending on burning some ships this year.

Mon, 17 Jan 2005 19:18:23 GMT

So. New year (well..yeah, okay, give me a few weeks to grow accustomed to it) and a fresh start. I should write in my journal more often. One of those things that are top on the to do list and remain there...not good.
I am not going to update on weeks and weeks past full of socializing, applying jobs, working, larping, cuddling with my Love, shopping, being in cars, talking, eating and all those other –ings. Undoable, and not that interesting. I think it’s a lot more important to update more often from now on, than to update three months in a row.
Saturday was Mage Guild Suicide Special day. The gang was all there...we went in, we kicked ass, we went out again. Yes, that is correct. None of us died, despite al lot of threats from the SL’s that it would be a massacre. Yeah. For the NPCs maybe. Alright, we may be a bit cursed now. But there is nothing a lot of good will and a big-ass ritual can’t fix, kiddo.
So far for the good news. I am not happy at all with my performance on the special. While the others seem to be getting better and better in more than one way, I seem to have come to a standstill. I am now taking up the part of glorified fighter, and I hate playing characters that are a few spells short of a magebook, even if that is only what the others presume. Still doenst feel good. But well...I might be too much of a perfectionist.
I am currently very busy working. I am working 9-17.30 every day. Oh yes, the hell that is called Callcentre. Do not get me started. I am talking to rude and annoying customers drinking bad coffee, getting blamed for everything, growing a head-and backache while being bossed around by the local office-nazi. Thank god the pay sucks too.
But I only have two more weeks to go.
And I still love my friends. Especially on days like these, the thought of talking to them in the evening, having fun and making great plans for lives, is pretty much what makes me get up in the morning. You guys are my caffeïne, my holiday and my safety-net. Love you all more than you will ever know.
Might be a good start for the year 2005. Bring it.

Just showing I am alive

Wed, 24 Nov 2004 19:50:27 GMT

This little message is just to prove I am still alive, just not doing stuff worth writing down here.
The past week has been busy but uninteresting. Not much fun things are up, me doing errands around the house and applying for jobs like crazy, but without success so far. That and talking to some people on the intenet is pretty much it right now. Went to my Love for the weekend, which was good as always. He was pretty busy, but we still found time to go out for dinner and buy him fabrics for a proper great kilt. Dropped it off at Annet and Nokey's to get it custom fit. I am sure it will be pretty.
I am travelling around some for several job intervieuws, and will have another one tomorrow, after which I am off to my Love's house, so maybe I will have something to tell after that.

PS: I never knew rummaging trough EBay looking for insane stuff was so much fun! Anyone up for a rubber duck with an evil spirit trapped inside it?

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5508453273

Formanterra

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 16:06:34 GMT

Wednesday I went to my love. He had to get out pretty early which ment I had some time to kill before I went to Formanterra. I went to Femke, which was fun. We had some time to chat and laugh together, and drank lots of coffee. We'll do that again asap beautiful!
When Femke had to go to work I went to Alwins' place, where some time was spent talking and gaming, which is always a good combination. The man also has some quite disturbing early 90's dance classics CD's...*shiver*
At 6 Alwin dropped me off at Alexander, where Sna soon came to pick me up. I was very glad with the ride, thanks again man! I didnt had to go by train with my huge backpack and swords, plus it is just so much more fun in driving there with Sna and Rene. We had a good trip and spent the evening preparing stuff, sewing and drooling over all the amazing props Cora and Rene made.
Formanterra was the best.
It definitely had one of the better plots I have ever heard of, with lots of personal roleplay and lots of psychological roleplay and lots of...ROLEPLAY. Hardly any bashing going on, and I liked that. I didnt get a chance to play a lot of roles, since the plot was low on NPCs though we had plenty, but it was still fun. René and Cora made sure all the NPCs knew very well what was going on and what was going to happen, which made the atmosphere very conspiring, and the NPCs very happy to be part of it. Nothing beats walking next to an NPC knowing someone will be there to scare the shit out of him in a minute or so. Nothing beats standing next to Sna as he fires an enourmous crossbow, pushes it into an innocent girls' hands and watches the fun with that sardonic grin we all know and love.
And the roles I did play were fun. Friday night I played a member of the very interesting staff of the mansion. Marie was just a housekeeper with the most annoying accent ever heard but it was fun. I made the accent up on the spot and I thought it sounded like Utrechts, but someone told me it sounded more like I came from Rotterdam, which makes no sense since I almost never really come there, apart from visits to my Love. Weird. But it was fun to run around, being rude to all the guest when our Major Domo Lucas wasn't looking (thanks for all the laughs Sna) and prectically accusing the players of robbery when Mary's room turned out to be empty. The best scene however was when Marie went to wake up Lucas because all players insisted on believing he was the source of all evil. So I had to dress Sna, who had just gotten out of his costume as he thought he was finished, and we gave him a stunning light-blue nightgown underneath his jacket (how come everyone thought the man was gay?),we put on his wig practically upside-down and off we went. Great to see the frustration of the players when all their theories fell apart. While they tried to get Lucas to talk in his sleep and tell them everything they wanted to hear (including that he was Mary, killed Mary and/ or was her secret love slave) Marie stood there wailing they should leave the poor man alone, which caused the players to get her to confess that she and Lucas were actually dead for several centuries. Sooooooo...
The danse Macabre leter that evening was also superb, the effect of the ghosts dancing in the blacklight to the creepy music definitely made up for about 5 hours spent sewing white tule to the costumes so they would light up.
And then the saturday started with a shock as the mansion had turned spooky overnight (cobwebs and all, another hour-and-a-half less sleep for a small group of monsters including me) and half of the staff, including poor Marie, were found hung in the morning. The fact that the players hadn't slept that night (IC of course) gave them enough to thing about during the day, and if they didn't the plot threw in some strategical and often very personal poltergeist activity. It all worked to quite a climax that night when some obviously dead Dreghori came to teke the players to the big graveyard. This was a scene that was I think never before created for LRP and is unlikely to be ever created again. It had taken so much time and was SO worth it. An area in the wood was stuffed with about 60 gravestones, most of them with the names of players on them and lit spookily by the torchlight. After the first shock undead versions of some players showed up. It turned out the grevayard was the future graveyard of the area, and apperantly all players would be dead in 10 years time. The SL had given the NPCs very careful instuctions and background to learn, so they could all act it out and tell the players about their fate, the way they died and the things that happened in the meantime. There were a lot of personal nightmares there. While the NPCs confronted the players with their awful causes of death, a prince found his grave among the Tredanya (total outcasts) and ran around screaming he would not die a Tredanya. Too bad *grin*. A woman who ran away from her abusive husband found herself buried alongside him. Stuff like that. It all made a nice and spooky scene, where I had to play the double of Jane (I dont think we look much alike, but well) and she did great, as always. I just kept hoping I wasn't ruining the character. Somehow it feels really weird to 'steal' someone's character, even for one scene. You can only hope you are not doing it any disgrace.
After the players found out their future selves were soulless and couldn't enter the afterlive, they went to search for the Orb of Souls. If they could claim it and break it it would set the spirits free. So there was Matthijs, as the keeper of the Orb, asking everyone 'do you claim the orb of souls?' and telling them they didnt understand what it was really about. Must have been frustrating. They whole thing became a bit of a running gag among NPCs (Do you claim this cup of coffee?).
Sunday went much like the saturday, working up to a climax when at least the host showed up, being introduced as NightMary. She then called up all the main enemies from previous episodes, and we kickes the players out of the mansion area. Thats right. We won, the players lost. Now I think they'll have some food for thought for the next time.
All the cleaning-up was pretty exhausting, so I was very glad Sna drove Matthijs and me all the way to Urecht. Again: thanks, man.
And thank you to all the players and my fellow NPCs. A very high level of roleplaying achieved here, with a very nice plot, but also time for chatting and laughs. Next time i will definitely be there again.